I'm taking some time

To just be

To find my breath

To find my calm

To hermit

I need the quiet from people

So I've picked up my knitting needles.  Found some half done WIP.    I've been sick on and off constantly for a couple of months.   I'm just run down, exhausted.   This widow journey is no joke and it takes so much of your life force, just to get up each and every day. 

Its 18 months without our beautiful Shane and no its not any easier, in some respects its harder.  The first year is a blur, the shock and dismay and just heart rending deep grief is there, always there.  People think because you go to work, pay your bills, look okay that everything is better - but the reality is there is no better. 

In what reality could our lives be better without Shane?   I mean really?  He was the kindest, most generous, loving, giving amazing human ever.    Was our life always perfect, did we never argue.  No.   That's not realistic.  Marriage and love is not perfect.  It's sometimes messy and hard.  And then it's not, it's divine and perfect and everything. 

There is still so much that needs to be done.   All the big stuff, the most hurtful stuff is done, but there is so much little stuff, so many tiny things, that you think nothing of, but leave you in a puddle on the floor. 

To that end, I'll do what's best for me, for the kids.   To take the path that is quiet and calm and fills us with memories of Shane.   Even if that means closing the door on people.   I haven't taken these decisions lightly.  They've broken me.  I shouldn't have had to - but don't pretend you care.   Don't you dare go over me and to someone else, saying you are worried, when you've not even touched base in 12 months.   Like you think there is something wrong with my mental state, that I'm not okay 

Of course I'm not okay - my husband died.  I will never be okay.  I will never be better.  I will move forward but as a different person. 

But don't say you care, and when you were pulled up for your behaviour and I called it out - even though you were so worried about me.  You didn't even reply to my last text.  So you can't have cared that much at all.  

Anyways. I knitted for Summer, 

Trio of hats from Wooly Wormhead - the pixie version - it's certainly not perfect and I didn't have enough yarn because I'd used it on Olearia from Tikki to make the shrug.   She loved the shrug so much (it still needs buttons) that there was tears before she grudgingly let me take it off, so she could go home.